By now I'm sure we've all heard about what happened in the prized mecca of professional basketball: a brawl broke out between the New York Knicks and the Denver Nuggets in Madison Square Garden on Saturday night. Aw shucks, those hip lifestylers in the cultural capital of the U.S. get all the fun! Oh noes L.A.! Where's your sports team San Francisco?
There are many things to be angry about with this brawl. We could grit our teeth about the way New Yorkers ironically applauded the suspended Knicks players as they were paraded out of the gym. We could steam over the way the whole thing is getting blown out of proportion, even though a bunch of white guys punching the shit out of each other doesn't bother anyone. Seriously, has anyone seen footage of a baseball fight? Someone charges the pitcher, the benches clear out, and people get the fuck kicked out of them in a big sprawling crowd. We could even be pissed at Mardy Collins, the Knicks player who started it all by executing a headlock-takedown that I've only seen pulled off by pro-wrestlers. But our hate is reserved for one man: Isiah Thomas.
Fuck you Isiah Thomas. Why do we curse "Cuts," one of the greatest point guards in the NBA ever? Lets start with Mardy Collins. Mardy is a rookie who was drafted out of the second round. He has probably seen 5 minutes on the floor all season. Usually, when a player gets limited time, he wants to perform well, impress his coach, and maybe break into the rotation some day. Hopping off the bench only give the oppsing team the "diamond cutter" is no way to impress any NBA coach.
Unless, of course, your coach is the asshole who threatened the opposing team's players--warning them to "stay out of the paint"--already, and unless, of course, your coach is the one who can't stop talking about how "the franchise" needs to be protected like gang territory, and unless, of course, your coach was the one who probably told you to throw your bench-warming body into the opponent. Yes, that's you Isiah Thomas. In postgame comments, it was obvious that Isiah didn't feel bad about what happened. With that signature shit-eating grin (see above), Thomas talked about how he could "see why the refs called it a flagrant, even though it wasn't." Unlike Nuggets coach George Karl (a dickhead in his own right), Thomas made no apologies for his team's actions. See, its O.K. to attack an opposing player because they "insult" your franchise. Yes, Isiah Thomas should definitely protect his franchise from insults and dishonor. This is priority number 1.
Which is exactly why he should go blow his brains out right now. He's a horrible GM blah blah blah. We all know this. But really, its the only way for "Cuts" to preserve any dignity at all. A tragic, emotionally tortured gun-killing is the best redemption from fucking up your career on the world's greatest stage, Madison Square Garden. From Steve Francis to Renaldo Balkman to this shit, it just never ends. It will take ten years for the Knicks to recover. The organization is leaking money faster than olestra-inspired anal leakage. And Isiah will be remembered as the guy who fucked it all up. He had the NBA's biggest fortune at his disposal. He could have really build a gaudy but successful team of superstars to please that self-impressed homecrowd (Shaq and Kobe, anyone?). But instead, he blew it all on fevered egos and two-dollar finger fucks. WTG man. Hall of fame, here we come!
4 comments:
Don't forget hockey fights.
Wow C, new blog style but the same bemused anger, I like it. So - I completely concur with your insightful analysis of Thomas. NYTimes online is reporting that he may even have threatened Melo in a heated exchange before the shit went down. I would really like to believe this, given my sympathies for Melo.
I think Thomas should get the worst of it for masterminding the whole thing (if we followed this strategy more often, then George W. Bush, Rummy, and Wolfowitz would probably be awaiting trial right now for war crimes).
About his team spending strategy, however, I have a few points to raise:
- two dollars for a finger fuck is a pretty good deal these days, so I actually would say that he was acting frugally there, not wasteful
- you suggest, "he could have really build a gaudy but successful team of superstars to please that self-impressed homecrowd," please the crowd - yes - but this strategy doesn't always translate into success, nearly always implodes after a year, and disillusions the good fans of self-inflated ego teams (do you know the shame I felt after the Lakers 2003-4 season when we tried to buy a fucking team? look at what we did to Karl Malone? we ruined the end of his nba career, all because we dangled the prospect of a ring in his face)
- instead he tried to buy a championship coach in Larry Brown, but gave up on him after a year... maybe he should have taken a page from the Lakers: not only obtain a championship winning coach (don't get me wrong, I HATE Phil Jackson and fantasize about - were I ever able to afford Lakers tickets, shooting poison darts at him from the cheap seats), but also a successful team of superstars
I hate that bit about how it was somehow disrespecting the franchise...
They kept in the starters becausme Melo's the league scoring leader, selling a huge number of seats, priming the Denver franchise for a bunch of trickle-down endorsement royalties, and giving them lucrative cable TV contracts since they are kicking ass and taking names with their star power.
But Thomas is on about this being a matter of "respect." Fucking please...and that all the white office boy sportswriters let that framing of the story stand.
www.hatethecoach.com
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